Six months. Six months of tears. Six months of sadness. Six months without someone we love. Six months of questions. Six months of watching those that loved him the most, be in such unbearable pain that it literally breaks your heart into pieces. Six months. When a loss like this happens, you walk through the motions of those first really, really hard days. Mainly in shock and in so much heartache that you feel the sadness but it hasn't entered deep inside you yet. There are moments that are etched in your mind that you can't get out. Memories that you hate and hurt but still hold on to them because they are a connection to the one you're grieving. Moments that you think, it can't get any worse than this.
But it kind of does.
They say that time heals. It gets easier with time. This too shall pass. I call BS. It doesn't pass. It doesn't get easier. In some ways, it gets harder. Each day is a reminder that this is reality. Each day is one more day without him. Each day is one more day further from the last time we all saw him. There are traditions that no longer happen, holidays celebrated with someone missing, moments that should have been shared with him....that bring on such sadness like it was day one except now you're not in so much shock that the emotions run deeper. The pain hurts a bit more.
I, personally know the pain I am experiencing and can not fathom the depths of pain and grief that those so close to him are feeling. His parents, his brother, his best friends. You try to understand. You try to help. You try to be of comfort. But the answer is--you can't. You can try but there are some things you can't fix. Not saying that there are times when something you do or say can’t bring a smile to their face. There may be an activity that will take their minds off of their pain for a brief moment. But the reality is....pain is still there. It's always going to be there. It's never going to go away. There's a line in the sand now--the before and the after. And I think that's something that I am learning. That I can't fix this. I can't heal their hearts. I can't remove the pain they are feeling. And that just sucks. But I can let them know, they are not alone. They are loved. They are all on my mind EVERY SINGLE day. I can let them know it's okay to enjoy a moment. It's okay to laugh. It's okay to do new things. It's okay to give up old ways. And that it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel. It's okay to not be okay. And that no matter what--he will NEVER EVER be forgotten. The love we have for him, will not go away.
During this journey, I have shared prior that even though my sadness is great and that I have questioned God's intentions and have yelled and been so mad at him more than I ever have in my life. I have also never felt closer to Him. My thinking was that those that we have lost are in the arms of Jesus so I want to be as close to Him as I can so I can be close to my family and friends who have passed on to the eternal life. I want to see them again so I need to focus my mind and intentions are getting to heaven. I learned that God has big, broad shoulders so he can take my anger. He can take my doubts. He can take my pain and whisper....it's okay to be not okay. It's okay to be mad and angry and to cry and scream out. And that most of all, that it's okay to have faith and it's okay to have hope even in pain.
I was following a gentleman on Facebook-Jeff Francis. When I first read a post of his, his wife was in her final days of life after fighting cancer for a brief time. He was losing his wife. He knew it was going to happen but didn't realize how quickly. His words are below. Some days when I would read his words, I would think. Wow. This guy has the strongest faith I know. He is still praising God even though his wife was dying. I want faith like that. Then another day, or sometimes even the same day, it would almost anger me. Like how can this guy do that...how can he still have faith and praise and not be angry. Not question why? Not freak out and call it out like it is!! Then it dawned on me...neither is wrong. Loss is loss. Faith is faith. Feelings are feelings. Pain is pain. No....those aren't true statements. All of those things are different for each person. Your pain and my pain are not the same. Might be the same situation. Might be the same exact scenario. But our pain is not the same. Our feelings are not the same. We can't compare any of these things. How I deal with my pain and how you deal with your pain are different yet both are right. Both are okay. So Jeff Francis is dealing with his loss and pain completely different than how another gentleman that lost his wife, in the same exact way is dealing with it. There's no time table on grief. There is no road map on how to deal with death or loss or pain or faith.
Sharing some of Jeff Francis posts as they are pretty profound and so full of faith and hope.
"James 1:2 tells us to “consider it joy when you face trials of many kinds.” That’s just crazy talk. Why would I consider it joy when I face trials? It’s because the trials help us grow. Oh great. Growth. Maybe it’s hard to have joy in growing. But, if becoming like Jesus is what brings us the most joy, then we can see anything that helps us to grow like him as a joy (even trials). The difference is perspective. It’s hard to think this way. How do we do it? James tells us. Verse 6 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God.” He says that the ability to think about life from God’s perspective is called wisdom. And if you have trouble with keeping the right perspective on what you are facing, ask God who will pour out wisdom. There is no promise to eliminate trials. But there is a promise to give wisdom generously. God will help us to see the things we’re facing as a chance to increase our joy. I hate what we are going through. It’s miserable..... I’m devastated and broken. But, God is helping me to still have joy. "
"So, I shared some bad news and some good news. And that’s sort of the story of life. Most things aren’t good or bad, black or white. I used to think things were. But we live in the grays. There is a tension between what we believe to be true in our heads and what we fear to be true in our hearts. In Mark 9, we read about a desperate father seeking relief for his son. Jesus tells him, “Everything is possible for the one who believes.” And the father responds by saying, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” This describes how we live. God, I trust you…but it would be better if you did things this way. Lord, I know you can do miracles…but I’m really afraid right now. There’s a tension within all of us. We have moments of clarity and then seasons of uncertainty. We experience great joy and then waves of discouragement. Jesus, I do believe, but can you also help me overcome my unbelief? There’s good and bad in all of life. Here’s what I’m learning about this tension…"
"1. God wants me to be honest with him. It doesn’t do anything good to tell God how much I believe when the truth is that I also don’t believe. As though God didn’t already know. When we struggle, when we doubt, when we’re afraid, when we question, when we’d like to punch God in the nose, God wants us to just be honest about it. Tell him. The good, the bad, the ugly. Tell him.
2. We don’t need faith when things are going well. You only need faith when you don’t know the answers, when you can’t solve your own problems. We all want to believe in miracles, but we don’t want to be in a position to need one. We can’t see resurrection without death.
3. The bad we experience doesn’t compare to the good we have in Jesus. I don’t want Heather to hurt. I don’t want her to suffer, but if my joy and peace is dependent upon what happens with Heather, then Heather is my Lord. It’s unfair to expect life’s circumstances to provide for me what only God can provide. Heather isn’t my Lord. Jesus is Lord. Either Jesus is enough for me or he’s not. I wholeheartedly proclaim, “Jesus is enough!” But if I’m going to be honest, I also secretly ask, “But are you really enough?” The tension is there, but I just keep trying to trust in Jesus anyway."
"I’m broken. We all are. But God is good and he loves us which means we can trust him. This isn’t God’s fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. We grieve but we do so with hope because we believe one day Jesus will make all things new."
-Jeff Francis
Six months. In six months, I have learned the true meaning of family. I have seen the meaning of family. In six months, I have learned what is important in life. I have learned what to make a priority. In six months, I have learned how to love even deeper. I have learned how to be a better person. In six months, I have witnessed and experienced myself, how to be hurting so deeply yet how to still smile and laugh. “ The waves of pain and the waves of hope will chase each other as they crash on the shores of your soul.” In six months, I have learned the irreplaceable value of a moment, of a memory. I have learned that grief is just like love. It doesn't just go away. You can't just stop it. Once you experience it, it stays with you always. In six months, I have learned to tell those I love how I feel. That it's possible to have such excruciating pain yet still have indestructible hope. In six months, I have learned how deeply strong my aunt, uncle and cousin truly are. I have learned more and more about the beautiful soul we lost yet still lives on because we still love. In six months, I have learned that 256 months with someone just wasn't enough.
Beau Avery Barry. Forever Loved, Forever Missed. 05🖤29🖤19
